Harry Potter goes to GAM
by Fomhoire
Summary: A totally dumb and silly story about Harry and the gang meetin up with some of my friends in California and going to a Girl Scout competition with us. PG-13 for language. Will probably change later to R.
1. Leaving for a tan

Harry Potter goes to GAM  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or (in some cases) factual people. The plot is the brainchild of about 9 teenage girls getting high during a field trip to Farrells – so don't necessarily blame me.   
  
Okay- for all of you non-friends of me who are reading this- probably not very many of you there are some things you should know.  
  
GAM: Gathering of All Mariners- a Girl Scout event (Yes I'm in GS! And proud damnit!) held at Castaic Lake once a year and all the Senior troops participate (Seniors are 9-12 grade) – about 8 troops in all. It's a competition about sea and land skills such as boating, swimming, charting, anchors, drill, sailing, compass, first aid, relative bearing, weather and tides, etc…. It's a total blast, but my troop is never gonna win! But that's okay because Mystac Yinkee Lost! (That's another troop)  
  
Thunder From Down Under: A group of male strippers- all from Australia, all REALLY, REALLY HOT, all of the incredibly GAY!  
  
I'll keep you posted on any other things you should know  
  
Most of these events are factual. And I'm sorry but some of them are only funny to people who were there- some of them were only funny at the time and I'm just killing them. Sorry.   
  
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Hagrid, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley were sitting around at Hogwarts one day discussing the fine points of the hole in the ceiling across from Professor Snape's classroom.   
  
Ginny turned to Draco and said, "You'd be totally hot if you could get a decent tan. Like totally hot!" She giggled. Ron made barfing and gagging noises. Harry frowned because he was totally jealous- Ginny was supposed to be his and everyone knows that the two of them are going to end up together no matter who Ginny dates in the 5th book.   
  
Snape walked out of his classroom just as Hermione turned to Ron and said, "You would be very good looking if you would bring some pigment into your lifestyle." Ron frowned totally confused- he was trying to be kosher this year and he wasn't supposed to eat pigs. Hermione sighed and rephrased her earlier sentence, "You'd be totally hot if you could get a decent tan. Like totally hot!" Draco made barfing and gagging noises. Snape frowned because he was totally jealous- Hermione was supposed to be his and nobody was supposed to know about it.   
  
Hagrid turned to Harry and said, "Ud 'e totly 'ot if'n u 'ot a…" He looked around frantically at everyone staring at him and said, "I think the hole has gotten bigger." Sure enough everyone turned their attention back to the hole in the wall and Hagrid's slip was forgotten for the time being.  
  
***  
  
A few weeks went by and the second Tuesday in April Ginny walked up to Draco and said, "Oh My God! You should like totally go to California and get a tan!"  
  
Draco was really embarrassed because he was with his girlfriend Pansy and had just finished telling her about the great tan he had gotten at his summer house in France. But when Draco thought about what Ginny had said and realized she was like totally right. He shoved Pansy away and put his arm around Ginny's shoulder. "So, babe. When are we going to California?"  
  
Ginny decided that she and Draco were going to go into LA- actually a tiny suburb of LA known as the San Fernando Valley which no one has ever heard of even though ½ the people who live in "LA" actually live in the Valley- that's why it sucks when LA decides to dump all their trash on the Valley- we've got enough of our own thanks very much. \  
  
Ron walked by and heard Ginny talking to Draco and became very enraged- he was so upset that he made a gasping noise and some spittle went down the wrong tube. He passed out- unconscious. Hermione appeared from around the corner and rushed over to Ron. She rushed over and said to Ginny, "You! Go call 911." Ginny had no clue what she was talking about so she just stood there, but Hermione seemed to ignore this. She checked the situation around and Ron and was quickly able to discern the reason that Ron was unconscious. She checked for his pulse and found it. She then tilted his head back to open his airway and then gave him one firm breath. She pulled away, counted to five and administered another breath. She repeated the process until Ron gave a shaky breath and sat up.  
  
"Wow! Hermione! You are such a good first aider! You totally know rescue breathing!" Ron told Hermione.  
  
Right then Harry came around the corner. He was intently studying some random map he found somewhere- it doesn't really matter where. Professor Lupin came around the corner- he looked a little peaked to be honest, almost as if he needed some sun. He saw Harry reading the map and said, "Wow! Harry! You're really good at charting (maps)! You totally know how to read maps!"  
  
Right then Hagrid came around the corner. He was carrying a kayaking paddle and was pretending to paddle his way down the hall. Sirius came around a corner and saw him paddling. (I don't know how Sirius got there- how he escaped dementors, death eaters, and certain things that happened in the 5th book, but it doesn't matter.) "Wow! Hagrid! You are such a good sailor! You know how to paddle!"   
  
Oliver Woods came around the corner. He was marching and giving orders to himself in his head such as "right flank, march!" Luna Lovegood came around a corner and saw him marching. (A lot of corners in this part of Hogwarts I guess.) "Wow! Oliver! You are such a good driller! You totally know how to march!"   
  
Draco and Ginny looked at each other rather oddly. They felt really left out. Why couldn't one of them be good at something? But alas- it was too late as there were no more corners in this part of Hogwarts. They both sighed. But not to despair- they were once again the center of attention when Ginny shared her wonderful idea with everyone. As expected everyone was totally ecstatic about going to California (Who wouldn't be- seriously?) and everyone headed upstairs to back.   
  
They met each other at the front doors to Hogwarts and everyone was jumping around and excited about getting to the docks on time because they were taking a boat over there. Dumbledore happened to walk past them. He looked a little vacant as if he'd been smoking something…. "Yo! Harry, my man! What's up?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
Harry looked a little surprised to see Dumbledore in such a state. "We're on our way to California to get tans. You got a problem with that old man?" Harry was beginning to get an attitude about the whole thing. There was NO WAY he was gonna let anyone stop him from getting a tan.   
  
Dumbledore swayed a little on his feet and gave a twittering giggle. "I was just there myself man. Although I wasn't getting sunburned. I was getting baked." (that means high!) He swayed more on his feet and passed out. Hermione contemplated doing first aid but decided not to because they were already running late. So the 10 of them (Hagrid, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Oliver, Draco, Ginny, Luna, Sirius, and Lupin) headed out the door and to the docks.   
  
None of them had ever been on a ship before but where totally excited about the numerous possibilities- like bunks the size of a pin with three inches… no two inches of space between them and vegetarian food, no milk, no eggs, no meat… and sea sicknesses… and the Bermuda Triangle. Oh yea, and toilets you can't put toilet paper down- there's a trash can you're supposed to put it all in. And there's a separate bathroom for pee and poop. The pee head and the poo head. (this is totally true)   
  
During the weeklong trip Harry dropped his camera into the water and watched it sink while thinking to himself, "whose camera is this? God – that person is dumb for letting their camera fall into the water." Until he realized that the camera was his. Hagrid got bird poop on his brand new bikini, Ginny clogged the toilets when she forgot you weren't supposed to put toilet paper down there, Hermione had threatened to make love to her dog on Valentine's Day if Ron didn't ask her out, Sirius had made salsa and had stabbed Lupin in the arm when he started dancing salsa, Draco had gotten really bitchy; almost as if he had PMS, but it was okay because Luna had brought a huge box of super tampons, and every one had found out that Oliver had a huge snoring problem and that Ron was addicted to romance novels.   
  
The ship docked in the San Fernando Valley harbor at 3:30 that Thursday. They had exited the boat terminal and had gotten one of the bright yellow taxis that always swarmed around boat terminals. They told the driver to take them to the San Fernando Valley Party House and he nodded his head and smiled. For the next half hour he drove through very crowded streets lined with thousands of identical houses. Finally he stopped at a house with the speakers blaring and several brand new BMW's parked in front. The ten of them stepped out the car.  
  
The house was green with lots of foliage and a porch deck with an electric chair on it. This made Hermione slightly nervous but Ron shrugged it off insisting that it was perfectly normal for American's to have electric chairs on their front porch. Ron nodded his head and said, "Ahhh. Yes. I forgot that we were dealing with Americans now."  
  
The door was answered by a very tall white guy who was standing in front of an identical white guy- twins! Wow! Guy twins! Wow! The two guys let the ten of them in without any questions and they were led into a den with a huge television, two comfy couches, and a billiards table. On the TV was an incredibly hot guy named Shane West who looked very upset about something that Mandy Moore had just told him.   
  
One of the dozen or so girls on the couch yelled at the screen, "Cry Bitch, Cry." As if on command Harry began to tear slightly. This movie always made him so sad. Why did Jamie have to die? She was such a nice girl.  
  
Another girl let out a shriek of glee and then said in a slightly sadistic voice, "It's because she loves JESUS! WOOHOO! She loves JESUS."   
  
Ron was getting slightly nauseas at the mention of Jesus. You see, Ron was Catholic. It was totally obvious- all the signs were there you nincompoop. The red hair, the fact that they have no money, the trillion kids. They are so obviously Irish Catholic, or at least what British people think that Irish- Catholics are like. All they're missing is an alcoholic father. How could you not have noticed? And if you did- great observational skills.   
  
The girls on the couch seemed to notice their visitors and simultaneously gave this huge cheer. They all started jumping up and down and singing a random song from Aladdin. The whole thing was lead by a short brown haired girl with glasses who was wearing a cheerleading skirt.   
  
At the end they all sat down and stared at their visitors. Finally a really tall, thin, blond one with glasses (K, not B) stood up. It was obvious from looking at her that she was a total genius and that her older sister had no hope of ever being as smart as her (Sigh). She said, "It is my calculation that these new arrivals are just what we have been hoping for. I believe that they will help us to achieve our goal of gaining the huge honor of top ship at GAM." At the end of her speech Hermione caught her eye and they smiled at each other. They really were perfect for each other. Sigh again.   
  
The ten guests smiled and said in unison, "We would, like, so love to, like, go to GAM and totally like help you win top ship." A huge cheer went up from the room because everything had been decided. Harry Potter and Hogwarts was going to GAM.   
  
Next chapter: finishing up the "study session" and heading off to GAM. Ideas are more than welcome. Please help me everyone who liked the idea of the story. I need some more plot. What happens next? 


	2. We Begin to Study

Wow! Got some pretty nasty reviews for this- oh well. Thanks to everyone who wrote reviews- even those who wrote bad ones. I think. Anyway. Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I do not own any of these factual people. I do not own most of the plot. Thanks to Ashley, Jennifer (twice), Katie, Samantha. Once again I will say that most of the things in here are pretty weird and might not make sense to people who didn't experience them themselves. But I really appreciate anyone who ignores that and reads the story anyway and then reviews.   
  
Once it had been decided that Harry, Hermione, Luna, Lupin, Sirius, Hagrid, Draco, Ginny, Ron, and Oliver were all going to go to GAM the "real" studying had to begin. Hot Girl #1 was in charge of the entire study session and decided that everyone should first study First Aid. Hermione was very happy about this.  
  
Studying for First Aid involved watching the not so smart sister of the smart blond girl enact various sicknesses. She pulled at her eyelids until they drooped, stuck out her tongue, made gagging noises, pointed to her constantly sunburned arm, and fell on the floor. Hermione and the smart blond girl both shot their hands into the air and said at the same time, "Frostbite." It was totally obvious that she had had frostbite. Ron looked around him wondering how anyone could get frostbite in the San Fernando Valley. It was 96 degrees in the shade in the middle of April for God's sake.   
  
After several more similar examples of Heat Stroke, Heat Exhaustion, Hypothermia, Hyperthermia, Sprain, Fractures, etc… the First Aid section was called off. Hot Girl #1 decided that it would be a perfect time to practice boating. Hagrid was very excited about this.   
  
Since there was no lake in the back of Hot Girl #1's house boating would have to be practiced in her swimming pool. It took a few minutes to set the kayaks up in the swimming pool and by that time there was a huge bet going on who would win the first kayak race; Hagrid or …. Umm…. All of our kayakers graduated so we don't have any more. Hagrid is so going to win this race. Nevertheless Hot Girl #1 blew the whistle and Hagrid shot across the pool. In the three seconds it took Hagrid to get across the swimming pool, Angie had still not figured out the function of the black, double-bladed thing she held. Cheers went up on all sides at Hagrid's victory.   
  
Next on the agenda was the rowboat race, but after several minutes of trying everyone was forced to give up with the realization that the rowboat was not going to magically float up from the bottom of the pool. (Where it had sunk to earlier.)   
  
By the time they all got inside everyone was ready for some relaxation and some entertainment. The not so smart blond girl got out her guitar and began to sing,   
  
"She sat her sister's hair on fire, sing Rickety-tickety-tin,  
  
She sat her sister's hair on fire,  
  
And as the flames grew higher and higher,  
  
She danced around the funeral pyre,  
  
While playing the violin, While playing the violin, 'olin"  
  
The smart blond sister fingered her hair nervously as gruesome verse after gruesome verse ensued over the horrible ways in which the girl killed her sister. At the end of the song the only ones clapping were the guests from Hogwarts. Everyone else was glancing nervously between the two blonde sisters.   
  
But all conflicts were forgotten as their leader, Sue, announced that S'mores were going to be made. Everyone rushed to the table to grab a marshmallow and a stick. As Ashleigh and Breanna stood over the fire Ashley said, "I hope mine gets really burned and crunchy." And Breanna said, "I hope mine stays white and firm, but gets a little cooked." After 20 seconds over the fire Brianna's marshmallow had burst into flame and looked like something from "Attack of the Way Over Burnt Marshmallow." After 20 minutes over the fire Ashley's marshmallow looked like it had just been taken out of the bag. That's the way marshmallows work. Seriously.  
  
Over in a corner stood Kellie who was explaining to everyone that she was too fat- which is why she couldn't eat a s'more. Kellie had just recently gone all the way up to a size 0 so everyone could understand why she was panicking. (NOT!)   
  
After everyone who wanted a marshmallow had eaten one it was time to get back to work. It was time to practice drill and Oliver was so excited. He got so excited he forgot about the hemorrhoids he'd recently developed and jumped in the air. This of course caused a seriously nasty breakout of the 'rhoids. The not so smart blond sister was an expert in reading symptoms of First Aid and she could easily detect that something was very wrong with Harry. (It actually wasn't that hard. Oliver had gotten a look on his face that was a cross of, "Shit! I've been reduced to making guest appearances on 'Harry Millionaire!," and, "I've just been forced to sit in Nancy's car and listen to Neil Diamond for the last hour!") So of course everyone had to examine Oliver's… problem area. Jennifer's hand immediately shot up in the air to volunteer for the job but promptly brought it down again before looking bashfully away. Nevertheless Oliver was eventually cured, but all through the Marching exercise he walked with a little sideways gait- which was actually okay because half the people couldn't tell their right from their left.   
  
And finally Hot Girl #1 decided it was time for everyone to practice charting (which was unfortunately brought back to GAM this year. ?!!!). Haha- for once Harry has to come last. The not so smart blond girl was put in charge of it because she was the only person stupid enough to do this event more than once. She broke the larger group into smaller ones and the groups competed to see who could complete the question first. Not smart blond girl put Harry in her group and the two immediately set to work. 10 minutes later they had determined that the standard deviation of a vessel headed 45degrees Southeast on the 53 parallel was at 246degrees. The dead reckoning for a sailboat on the Prime Meridian was East at 36 degrees with a standard deviation of 16. They had plotted both the shortest and the simplest route from London to the San Fernando Valley by taking the cross- bearings and the plotter given on the chart.   
  
In Group 2, Smart Blond Girl and Hermione would not have been that far behind if they hadn't stopped to wait until Hagrid could pronounce Standard Deviation properly. In Group 3 Tricia, Angie, and Breanna had given up 9 minutes and 57 seconds ago so that they could talk about….(let's not go there right now). In Group 4 Amanda A had finally figured out that she was supposed to put the ruler on the map. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with it once it was there, but it was there and it looked nice damnit! In Group 5 Susan was flipping through the 50000000000000 (about a zillion more zeroes) page long Sea Scout manual in an attempt to find out what the cross- bearings were. And in Group 6 Janette laughed nervously, glanced around to make sure no one was looking, and quickly jotted random numbers on her groups' paper to make it look like they'd accomplished something. (They had been painting their nails if you want to know.)  
  
Afterwards two girls volunteered to practice knots while everyone else studied code flags. Hot Girl #1 held up a red flag with a yellow cross on it and said, "What flag is this and what does it mean?"  
  
Jackie stood up and said, "It's Romeo and it doesn't mean anything."  
  
Hot Girl #1: "And how do you know it doesn't have any meaning?"  
  
Jackie: "Because it's a guy and guys mean nothing!"  
  
Hagrid and Sirius both stood up simultaneously. Sirius said, "You go Girl!" and Hagrid said, "No! Harry is a fine young man and I lo…love this decorating!" Both sat down quickly and sat staring, as if transfixed, at the giant collection of pig memorabilia on display.  
  
Hot Girl #1 next held up a white flag blue flag with a blue stripe running through it. "What's this and what does it mean. And how can you tell?" she asked.  
  
Ron stood up and shouted, "It's Juliet because she and Romeo are in bed together and there's a sheet separating them! It means on fire because they are having perfectly wonderful, marvelous, splendid, mind-numbing SEX!"  
  
Angie and Not so Smart Blond Girl immediately looked up from their discussion about the topic we won't discuss. "What?" they asked. After realizing it had just been a momentary thing they quickly turned back to the conversation about the topic we won't discuss here. (Maybe later. No. Definitely later. ?)   
  
Hot Girl #1 decided that the rest of the Code Flags were not as interesting as those two so she decided that everyone should study bells times and watches. (Because that's so much more enthralling.) "Okay! So you went on a date at 1800 hours, went to see a two hour movie, and then went down to your yacht to… watch… a movie and then fell asleep. If you wake up to hear 3 bells, what time is it and how many years will you be grounded for for breaking curfew?"  
  
Sirius raises his hand in the air and madly starts waving it around. He knows this one because this same exact thing happened to him back when he went to Hogwarts except they didn't watch a movie. For God's sake- who goes to their yacht with a date to watch a movie? These Girl Scouts sure are innocent and naïve. Since everyone else has started their own private conversations in small groups and hasn't heard a word Hot Girl #1 has said she decides to call on Sirius. He stands up and proudly says. "It's 1:30 a.m. and I will be grounded for three years."   
  
Madison turns around from her conversation (apparently it wasn't that interesting- it must have been one with Susan and Samantha ?) and gasps. "That's not fair! When I did that I was grounded for 5 years!" Kellie puts her arm around her to comfort her as she bursts into tears. Everyone else pauses for a split second before rejoining their previous conversation.   
  
Hot Girl #1 begins to realize that she needs to gain control of the troop so she takes out the troops tiny two inch blue and orange teddy bears and begins to throw them at people to make them shut up. Just because it has never really worked before, she can't seem to figure out why it's not working now. She hits Joelle in the back and Joelle turns around briefly before forgetting why she'd turned around in the first place.  
  
Hot Girl #1 sighs loudly and decides that there is only one last possibly way for her to restore order to the group. "Everyone Shut UP!!! I have an important announcement! There is another group of people coming with us to GAM!"  
  
All the Girl Scouts look up excitedly and expectantly at Hot Girl #1 while Harry and the gang (but they're in no way Harry's gang because if they were a gang Harry would so not be the leader!) got rather nervous. They were the guests here damnit! No one else was supposed to come in and steal the position from them. They wanted the guest benefits.   
  
"Who's coming?" Everyone asked.  
  
Lauren paused for dramatic affect and said, "The Australian male strip group Thunder From Down Under!!!!"  
  
The group went wild as all the Girl Scouts, plus Hagrid and Snape (the last time they'd seen the group both had been a little tipsy after a long night in a sleazy hotel in Vegas) began to jump and cheer wildly.   
  
Next up, in case you couldn't guess, comes a little more excitement- not to mention an R rating probably. Yea!!!  
  
Thanks for all the people who encouraged (nagged is really more like it) me to continue writing the story. I hope I didn't disappoint- and if I did feel free to make suggestion for the next chapter which will probably come out in… whenever I get around to it. Hey! This is way harder than it seemed when we were all half drunk at Farrell's. Give me a break. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed. Sorry about the verb tense switches Mr. Wilf. 


End file.
